Safe Families effort focuses on prevention

Child sexual abuse happens even in the homes of Waccamaw Neck residents.

And, if nationwide statistics hold true, even more abuse happens here than in the poorer, rural areas of Georgetown County.

According to Darkness to Light, a non-profit child abuse prevention organization, 65 percent of child abusers are in the middle-income or above bracket and 50 percent are college educated.

One in four girls and one in six boys is sexually abused by age 18, according to the organization.

“I think the people of Pawleys Island would be shocked to know how much abuse goes on,” said Carol Daly, director of Georgetown County First Steps, an early childhood development and education organization. “Abuse knows no color or income boundaries.”

Members of the Safe Families Initiative of Georgetown County are aware of the statistics and are trying to do something about them. One initiative is the possible creation of a local Family Justice Center, modeled after the successful San Diego Family Justice Center.

But, Darkness to Light’s chief operating officer, Harold Patrick, said victims are not just numbers, but real people with real horror stories; stories that write the chapters of victim’s lives for years after the abuse has stopped. How long the horror story is depends on how quickly a victim seeks help, he said, something many are loathe to do because of the trauma, stigma and shame associated with childhood abuse.

Last week, Patrick spoke at a Safe Family Initiative community forum. He showed a DVD that included several victims’ stories, including Miss America 1958, Marilyn Van Derbur. She was 39 when she went into “physical paralysis” from childhood abuse. She underwent intensive therapy and now talks openly about a secret she guarded out of shame.

Van Derbur didn’t even tell her husband that her father had abused her.

“I thought, ‘I’m a bad person. If you knew this about me, you’d never be around me,’ ” she said.

Donna Scott was abused as a young child. She was 5 when she first thought about killing herself. She suffered from suicidal thoughts well into adulthood, she said.

“As hard as it is to hear these stories,” Patrick told DVD viewers, some who were choking back tears, “it is much harder for the children who go through it.”

One victim said adult victims of childhood sexual abuse are hard for people to relate to because they are adults talking about something that happened years ago and there are no visible scars.

“When I talk about this, you look at me and you see a 37-year-old man,” Guerry Glover said. “But, I was a 9-year old boy.”

Glover said that people also “can’t see the blood. But, there is actual damage.”

Many victims are angry and mistrustful, Patrick said. Some become addicts or alcoholics, or suffer from depression, eating or sexual disorders, anxiety, or debilitating fear and nightmares.

The damage to society is astronomical, Patrick said. “The tentacles run deep –crime, violence, substance abuse, underemployment, unemployment, hospitalizations, suicide.”

Teaching children “stranger danger,” and teaching adults to look for signs of sexual abuse, are important ways to limit and stop abuse, Patrick said.

But, another statistic put a dark light on why Darkness to Light takes a different approach to the abuse problem.

“We want to prevent abuse,” Patrick said, “not just heal it. And, the knowledge of boundaries is not enough for a child to stop a powerful adult from abusing.”

“Ninety percent of sexual abuse cases come from either a family member or someone the child knows and trusts,” Patrick said. “Acquaintance victimizers” could be a coach, teacher, a friend of the parents, a neighbor, a teammate, another student, or a baby sitter.

Darkness to Light has a program, Stewards of Children, that offers training and resources to youth-serving organizations.

It also offers a program called, Step Up and Speak Out, which provides parents with resources on selecting youth-serving organizations, like camps, clubs, or youth or sports groups.

Educating and equipping parents helps keep organizations aware and accountable, Patrick said.

Step Up and Speak Out has a list of questions for parents to ask organizations, including:
•  Does it require comprehensive screening of staff and volunteers, including reference, background and sexual offender registry checks?
•  Does it have a policy to not allow one adult to be alone with one child?
•  Is all adult time observable and interruptible?
•  Does it train all employees and volunteers on sexual abuse prevention and response?
•  Does it teach staff and volunteers abuse reporting procedures?

The Stewards of Children program also provides youth organizations with training to prevent, recognize and react to child sexual abuse.

While Safe Families is concentrating on its Family Justice Center idea, Gillian Roy, who is also the president of the League of Women Voters, said they would look into incorporating the darkness to light training into their work.

First Steps’ Daly said her organization deals with “all abuse – not just sexual – but I can see us coming down to Charleston for training. I think this is perfect for sexual abuse.”

Resources

•  Darkness to Light’s Web site is www.darkness2light.org. Its national help line number is 866-367-5448.
•  Van Derbur’s Web site is www.Missamericabyday.com.
•  Firsts Steps is www.scfirststeps.com.

Protecting your kids: It starts with learning the facts, minimize opportunity

Learn the facts: Realities — not trust — should influence your decisions regarding your child.

Minimize opportunity: If you eliminate or reduce one adult/one child situations, you’ll dramatically lower the risk of sexual abuse for your child.

Talk about it: Children often keep abuse a secret, but barriers can be broken down by talking openly about it.

Stay alert: Don’t expect obvious signs when a child is being sexually abused.

Make a plan: Learn where to go, who to call and how to react.

Act on suspicions: The future well-being of a child is at stake.

Get involved: Volunteer, or financially support organizations that fight child sexual abuse.

Source: www.darkness2light.org

Fear and shame keep many victims silent

While a Pawleys Island man, Patrick Bryant, is on trial this week for allegedly raping a 15-year-old girl, most sexually abused children never report the abuse.

“Children are embarrassed, and they don’t want to talk to anybody. They feel like they have done something wrong, that they will get in trouble,” said Sgt. Neil Johnson, spokesman for the Georgetown County Sheriff’s Office. “But, they have done nothing wrong, and they won’t get in trouble.”

If children don’t report the abuse, Johnson said, “the perpetrator will do it again, and they will search for their next victim.”

“Fear and embarrassment” are the two main reasons children won’t report sexual abuse, said Gary Billington, program director for the Children’s Recovery Center, forensic interview specialists who assess and evaluate abuse victims for the sheriff’s office and Department of Social Services.

Billington said victims have often been abused in the past.

“The majority we see is repeat abuse,” he said. “For whatever reason, they are reporting it now.”

According to Prevent Child Abuse South Carolina, sexual abuse includes rape, touching, fondling, or involving a child in pornography.

Billington said the children may not realize until they get older that the abuse is “not normal.” Or, the younger the victim is, the more likely they are to think they will get in trouble if they report the abuse.

According to the South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, children sometimes believe they caused the abuse by seductive behavior, or they could have stopped it.

“Responsibility lies with the offender,” the coalition states on its Web site. “Sexual abuse exploits a child not developmentally capable of understanding or resisting and/or who maybe psychologically, socially dependent on the offender.”

And, “children generally do not question the behavior of adults, and have been taught to obey adults. They are often coerced by bribes, threats, and use of position of authority.”

According to Darkness to Light, a non-profit child abuse prevention organization, reporting abuse is complicated by the facts that about 40 percent of abusers are relatives, and 50 percent are someone the child knows.

In addition, 40 percent of the abusers are older or larger children, sometimes a brother, sister, or cousin. Therefore, children are scared, embarrassed or fearful to tell someone in authority about the abuse, said Harold Patrick, Darkness to Light’s chief operating officer.

They may tell the other parent, he said, who may or may not believe the child. Parents also sometimes have ulterior motives for not wanting their spouse to go to jail, like he or she pays the bills, or they will attack the spouse if they are reported.

Child abuse victims may tell a teacher, Johnson said, who is required by law to report the allegations.

But, most likely, Patrick said, they will suffer in silence and – as an adult – deal with the abuse through education, support groups and therapy, or not deal with it and try to kill the emotional pain with legal or illegal substances and activities.

Some kill themselves, or struggle with suicidal ideation.

As difficult as it is, Johnson said, child victims need to know they should report the abuse right after it happens, and take steps to preserve evidence, meaning “do not wash up.”

“Don’t wait,” Johnson said. “Let us know immediately because of the evidence. If you don’t, he’s going to do it again.”

“We are friends, not enemies, not abusers,” Johnson said. “Call 911, or go to a hospital emergency room.”

If it’s too late, and you washed up, Johnson said, don’t wash your clothes. If you washed yourself and your clothes, don’t despair, Johnson said, you can still report the abuse and “it will be investigated.”

The abuser is not always a man, and the abused are not always girls.

According to the coalition, one in 16 reported abusers are women, or 6 percent.

And, Patrick said, one in six boys is sexually abused by the time they are 18. One in four girls is sexually abused by age 18.

There are 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse in the U.S., he said.

Emphasizing the lack of reporting of victims, the sheriff’s office reports that there were only 34 rape cases in Georgetown County in 2006. There was one reported case in the Pawleys Island/Litchfield area.

Apparently, boys have a much harder time reporting abuse.

Only six of the 755 forcible rapes listed in the 2005 state crime index were boys, ages infant to 16. There were 749 girls.

Another reason abuse is not reported by female victims is they are scared to talk to male deputies, Johnson said.

But, the sheriff’s office employs female deputies and has two victim’s advocates, Donna Sherrill and Kimberly Lawrence.

Lawrence said advocates educate victims and their families about the court process, and provide comfort and support through the trying ordeal. They are on call 24/7, she said.

After deputies and an investigator respond to a report of abuse, she said, the investigator calls a victim’s advocate. If the victim is at the hospital, the advocate goes there.

With the approval of a parent or guardian, they then set up the appointment with the Children’s Recovery Center, which the advocate attends.

“It is a non-intrusive exam,” Sherill said. ‘There is a X-ray type machine that magnifies things.”

The advocates also offer victims financial support for things like emergency room bills, and refer them to counselors and other support services to help them deal with the abuse.

There is another reason to report child abuse: there are people out there who care.

“We’re both mothers,” said Sherrill. “It breaks our hearts to see the abuse, but it is very rewarding to be able to help.”

They agreed that children don’t tell because they feel humiliated and are afraid of further rejection.

Sherrill said children should talk to their parents about the abuse. “Don’t be afraid. You are not responsible in any way for what happened.”

If the abuser is a parent, Lawrence said, “tell someone you trust and feel comfortable with.”

Johnson said children can tell a guidance counselor or teacher. Or, they can simply pick up the phone and dial 911.

“We never, never, don’t investigate a report of abuse,” Johnson said.

However, Johnson warned that if the investigation reveals that the abuse claim is unfounded, the claimants will be prosecuted for filing a false police report.

Sherrill and Lawrence concur with the national statistics that show abusers come in all shapes and sizes, income levels and educational backgrounds.

“The cases we’ve investigated so far are just average, regular families,” Lawrence said.

Johnson said children can be put in emergency protective custody if an officer feels the child is in serious danger.

The Department of Social Services is then contacted.

Some child abuse prevention organizations tell victims to call DSS, but Johnson said all DSS does is turn around and contact law enforcement.

“That’s true,” said Virginia Williamson, general counsel for DSS. “We are required by law to do so.”

So, what does DSS do?

According to Williamson, DSS does its own investigation, but are interested in the whole family, not just the victim and perpetrator.

“We do a comprehensive family assessment,” she said.

“We have to make sure the child is in a safe environment. Are there other signs of abuse or neglect? Are other family members at risk?”

“Say it’s a father doing the abuse,” Williamson said. “Did the other parent know about the abuse? The immediate safety of the child is our primary concern. Does the child need to be placed outside the home?” If so, they may be placed with extended family or in a foster home, she said.

After the initial investigation, DSS draws up a family treatment plan, she said. “What kind of treatment is needed to reunite the family?”

To some victims, who are already confused and scared, the task of deciding whom to call and when can be intimidating.

With this in mind, the Safe Families Initiative of Georgetown County is proposing a Family Justice Center be built, which would be a one-stop location for victims of abuse to get help.

Under South Carolina law, suspected child abuse must be reported by people who in their professional capacity learn of the alleged abuse, including counselors, medical or dental workers, clergy, social service staff, educational staff, law enforcement personnel, photographers, computer technicians, child or foster care employees, funeral home employees, undertakers and judges.

However, professionals and non-professionals can’t report what they don’t know.

“We can’t investigate what we don’t know about,” Johnson said.

Who to call for help

Here is a list of organizations which can help sexual abuse victims.

Some facts about abuse

•  Men are offenders 94 percent of the time, and abuse male and female children.
•  Seventy-five percent of male offenders are married or have consenting sexual relationships.
•  Only about 4 percent of same-sex abuse involves homosexual abusers.
•  Most child sex abuse continues for at least two years before it is reported. In most cases, it doesn’t stop until reported.
•  By one estimate, incest occurs in 14 prcent of U.S. families. Ten to 20 percent of children are incest victims, 90 percent are female. Ninety percent of abusers are fathers or stepfathers.
•  Many non-offending parents may suspect something is wrong, but don’t know what to do.

Abused women speak of isolation, fear, hopelessness

Women who are abused stay with their husbands or boyfriends because they are brainwashed into believing they will never make it on their own. The horror they know is better than the fear of the unknown.

When they finally do leave, it’s because a final straw, in some cases an arm or jaw, is broken.

For Fran, the final straw was a bullet in the back.

She had finally had enough, and on July 4, 1998, she was in her bedroom packing her things. When her husband walked in and realized he had lost control of her, he picked up a gun.

“That fool shot me,” said Fran, who was taking a break from a Citizens Against Spouse Abuse support group.

“He always told me he didn’t even know if the gun was loaded. Well, I guess it was.”

As she lay on her back on the floor, she saw her son come in and ask his daddy what happened.

“Call 911. I shot your momma,” he said.

A deeply religious woman, Fran said she had to forgive him. She even spoke for him at his bond hearing. But, that was then, after she knew he would be out of her life.

“There were times I wanted to kill him,” she said. “The devil would say, ‘Pick up that pillow and smother him. You can do it.’ If God and the Lord Jesus hadn’t changed my heart, they would be picking up pieces of him in different states.”

An elderly black woman, Fran is a soft spoken and engrossing story teller. But, this story is true.

So are the stories of Eleanor and Vicki (not her real name), two other survivors at the support group, who were willing to share their stories.

They said the abuser is often of good social standing, charming, “a good man” in the eyes of the community.

“But that’s all outside,” Eleanor said. “They don’t see what goes on in the house.”

As a result, if the battered spouse does reach out for help, police, friends and neighbors often don’t believe them.

The women become the problem. Some people might think they are crazy, which fits in with what they have been programmed to believe by the abuser.

“You become nothing. Zero. You become nobody,” Eleanor said. “You are told, ‘You know you won’t leave. You can’t. You’ll never make it.’ The verbal abuse is worse than the physical abuse.”

The abuser commonly makes his “you won’t leave” comments a self-fulfilling prophesy, holding onto the family checkbook, cash, credit cards and car keys. Every checking account, loan, credit card and bank account is in the abuser’s name.

Then, there is the pressure from the outside, the women said.

Church friends tell them divorce isn’t what God wants.

Other friends avoid them, don’t believe them, or ask the obvious: “Why don’t you just leave? Why do you allow it.”

“I learned through CASA,” Eleanor said. “It’s not about allowing him. It’s what he did to me. There are no excuses for him.”

There is no stereotypical victim, the women said.

Eleanor was abused as a child. The other two said they came from caring, non-abusive homes.

Francine’s husband couldn’t read. Vicki’s husband had a prestigious job and was fairly wealthy. Eleanor’s husband was well respected in the community. She has a master’s degree and was even a counselor for a while.

“I would take a woman with two black eyes to get help,” she said, “but I didn’t tell anyone what was going on in my house.”

Most of the time, the women said, they kept quiet about the abuse. They were ashamed, humiliated and embarrassed. They also feared for their lives.

Vicki said she stayed “out of fear, and a conditioned mind.”

They all laugh and nod when Vicki says she “went through all the ‘I’m sorrys, the flowers, the ‘I’ll never do it agains,’ the ‘I’m changings.’ And, if your religious, it’s ‘til death do you part.’”

There is also denial. The men they knew couldn’t possibly really be like this. In their twisted way, the men love them. There has to be hope.

And, it’s the kids, they all said. They struggled with what leaving would do to the children: no home, no money, a new area, new friends, a new school.

Sometimes they sacrificed their bodies to take the abuser’s rage away from the children.

Until the final straw. Only then did they leave.

The women thank God for CASA. That there was a place to go. A safe house where they could live until they got an apartment and a job, which CASA helped them do.

And, they found other women who had gone through the same thing and were seeking help.

But, they say, the cards are still stacked against them.

“You need a month’s rent, a security deposit, an electric deposit,” Eleanor said. “Your husband, the abuser, is sitting in the home, driving a car, going to his job. And here you are starting out again with no home, no money, no credit and no job.”

“It is very difficult,” Eleanor said, choking back tears.

But, all three agree that leaving was the best thing they ever did. They want other abused women to know that they can leave before the final straw, or before it’s too late.

“Women are getting killed,” Vicki said.

Four million women a year are victims of domestic violence, according to the South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault.

In South Carolina alone, there were 650,803 reported domestic violence offenses from 1991-2004, an average of 43,386 a year.

In 2003, Georgetown County ranked 12th out of 44 listed counties in domestic violence offenses, the state coalition reports.

Without CASA, Vicki said she “might have gone crazy.” She is actually grateful she went through what she did because “it makes me better with people. I wasn’t confrontational before. Now I can go with the best of them. I’m not a pushover anymore.”

The other two women were not grateful for the abuse, but they were grateful for CASA.

All three survivors said there needs to be more counselors for victims - and their children.

Georgetown County’s Safe Families Initiative wants to create a Family Justice Center, where law enforcement, legal staff, and abuse victims service agencies and non-profits will be housed, so that victims are not traumatized anymore, or give up, from having to run from place to place seeking help.

Whatever the possible solution, hard, cold numbers prove there is a need for more to be done nationwide and in South Carolina for victims of all kinds of abuse. And, Georgetown County is not immune.

But, there is something that can be done right now, according to the three survivors.

“Don’t wait for the final straw,” Eleanor said.

Workshop gives shape, and hope to a vision

What will a family justice center in Georgetown County look like in 2013?

The proposed center will provide on-site or easy access to a range of services from counseling to legal services.

Those services will be coordinated. Victims will tell their story once. They won’t be bounced around from agency to agency throughout the county. Victims will not give up out of frustration with the disjointed system.

That was the consensus among 80 participants at a two-day workshop this week, sponsored by Safe Families Initiative of Georgetown County and run by the National Family Justice Center Alliance from San Diego.

Gillian Roy, president of Safe Families, said the center will provide “comprehensive wrap-around services. Anyone hurting can find help on-site or close enough.”

Representatives were on hand from law enforcement, the solicitor’s office, victims services organizations, foundations, health and social services and churches.

The workshop was moderated by Judi Adams and Gael Strack, co-founder of the San Diego Family Justice Center, which has served as the model for 30 centers around the world. Strack has co-authored a book and workbook for creating family justice centers, which were given to participants as guides for the local effort.

What was an idea two years ago for a small group of concerned citizens, who became the board of Safe Families, blossomed into an action plan in a matter of 30 hours, from 9 a.m. Monday to 2 a.m. Tuesday.

Committees were formed to draft mission and vision statements, finding and funding a location, educating the community and developing media outreach and security plans.

Hiring a strategic plan manager, a public relations firm and a volunteer coordinator were discussed, along with ways to fund the multi-million dollar project.

The proposed name, Waccamaw Family Justice Center, could change since the facility may end up in the city of Georgetown. The group is looking for a building and land that might be donated or inexpensive to purchase.

Adams and Strack said they were not bringing West Coast ideas to the East Coast.

“The goal is not to create a San Diego Justice Center here, but one that is unique to your community, and is better than any justice center anywhere,” said Strack.

The executive committee will provide oversight and remove barriers, Adams said. It will include: Georgetown Police Chief Paul Gardner; Assistant Solicitor Nadia Black; E’Lane Rutherford, director of outreach for the Holy Cross Faith Memorial Episcopal Church; Gary Billington, physician at the Children’s Recovery Center; a representative from the Bunnelle Foundation; and Safe Families board members.

There may also be a representative from County Council, the sheriff’s office and from abuse victims.

Sheriff Lane Cribb was nominated to serve on the executive committee, but he was not present when the nomination was made.

After the meeting, Cribb said he would let Safe Families use the sheriff’s office, where the workshop was held, for meetings, and he would follow their progress. He didn’t appear as enthusiastic as the participants leaving the room.

“I don’t think domestic violence is any worse than it used to be,” he said. “It’s just being reported more.”

While the number of people involved will be hard to coordinate, Adams and Jo Nemeth, a Safe Families board member, both said technology can make it possible, communicating and coordinating through Web seminars, e-mail, chat rooms, and a common Web site.

Carol Winans, a Safe Families board member, will be in charge of creating a budget and funding plan.

The Bunnelle Foundation and Bank of America are already willing to get involved, said Angel Johnson of the Coastal Community Foundation.

Fund-raising events, grants, speaking to civic organization members, direct mail and e-mail campaigns are all possible ways to solicit funds, as well as meeting with Georgetown City and County Councils to see if any money is available from their budgets.

A steering committee will include all the people involved in starting the center.

The workshop was hailed by several professionals as the best strategic planning session they had ever attended, and had them believing a project of this scope and magnitude was possible.

It was brought back on task at the end by Gwendolyn Jones of the health department.

“I appreciate the opportunity to help someone,” she said. “I’ve have heard the victims stories for the last 17 years. I am heartbroken. I hope this is going to help.”